Humorous
I want you all to synchronize your tongues to silence. - Archie Bunker from All in the Family

In the car, listening to Weezer CD... Dad: I like this song. Is Geezer popular? - Scratchy3 from the Ataris Message Board

Anyone who has blood type "O" is welcome to my organs, but I don't recommend the heart. It's been broken. - Cliff's mom on Cheers

I'm a little seal girl living in the real world and it's so hard to get by 'cause seals can't even cry. - Macy from As Told By Ginger

You have just recieved the Amish Computer Virus. Since the Amish don't have computers, it is based on the honor system. So please delete all the files from your computer. Thank you for your cooperation. - My friend Jennifer's away message

Kenny: My brother says I'm a catch.
Rudy: Yeah, well if I caught you, I'd throw you back in the ocean.
Kenny: Go ahead. There's other fish in the sea.
Rudy: Yeah, and when the fish see you, they'll start walking on land.
- The Cosby Show

Peace be still. Peace was still. Peace is still. Peace is made out of steel. - Diary of a Mad Black Woman

Why is it that Donald wears a top and no bottom whereas Mickey wears a bottom and no top? - Sam from Cheers

Don't you realize that when you laugh that germs can get right in your mouth? Fun is dangerous! - Boober from Fraggle Rock

Fighting not good. Somebody always get hurt. - Mr. Miagi

Always wear cute pajamas to bed. You never know who you will meet in your dreams. - Unknown

What if we celebrated Valentine’s Day with chickens instead of hearts? Then we'd say, 'I love you with all my chicken!!' - Sesame Street

Would you like to talk to the man in charge or the woman who knows what's going on? - Restraunt sign

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie

Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It's kinda like being the guy on a date. - Caroline Rhea

Why is it when we duck they call us chicken? - Unknown

I can't believe she bit me. I hope I don't get slut rabies or something. - That 70's Show

Having a smoking section in a restaraunt is like having a peeing section in a pool. - Unknown

Sometimes I get the urge to run around naked, but then I drink some Windex and it keeps me from streaking. - Some random person's bio on Xanga

Karma: it's an equal opportunity employer. - Strong Medicine on Lifetime

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. - Robert Frost

Ren: You like Men At Work?
Willard: What men?
Ren: Men at work.
Willard: Well where do they work?
Ren: No, they're a music group.
Willard: Well what do they call themselves?
Ren: Oh no! What about the Police?
Willard: What about 'em?
Ren: You ever heard them?
Willard: No, but I seen them.
Ren: Where, in concert?
Willard: No, behind you.
- Footloose

Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere. - National Lampoon's Van Wilder

Don't ask a girl where she is from, if she is from Texas, she'll let you know. If not, there is no need to embarrass her. - Someone's Facebook profile

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

We didn't get the whole chocolate bar, but we got a Hershey's kiss. - The Longest Yard

Tell the truth and run. - Yugoslavian proverb

Funeral director: So, you know all the procedures now, right?
Secretary:.Yes, I believe so, I just never had to go get the organ out for a service.
Funeral director: Well, you know where it's at, right?
Secretary: Yeah, so you just go in the back and pull it out and stick it in there, right?
- Overheard in the Office

God gave guys two heads but only enough blood to think with one. - Unknown

They're not gonna want to buy the whole friggin' ice cream truck when you're handing out the popsicles for free! - Anita Olesky on Never Been Kissed

Wedding: 30,000
Divorce: 60,000
Visualizing your ex-mother-in-law's mouth wrapped in ductape: Priceless
- Submitted by Sue

When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest... when they start to bleed go,"I guess not." - Dane Cook

Guy: You got your hair cut.
Black Girl: No, I just got it taken out.
- Some people in one of my classes